In the Beginning
In the Beginning...
"Start at the beginning, and when you come to the end; stop" - Queen of Hearts
Beginnings are funny things. We all have at least one. Those of us who constantly seek to reinvent ourselves, much like Madonna throughout the 80s and 90s (minus the pointy bras), may have many in our meandering life. They are times to forget the hurts, trials, tribulations, and bad perms that have permeated our existence. A clean slate or, in modern terminology, Ctrl-"A" - "Delete". It is at these wonderful moments that we have a second, third, or two-thousandth chance to make something out of our lives. So, how does one go about re-inventing themselves? How do we put the past behind us and stare ever so not-so-boldly into the uncertain but certain-to-come future?
Many people will suggest starting with a total-body-overhaul. For some, this is more than a slight change. Cheesecakes are peculiar animals. They do not want to be exiled from the Kingdom of Thigh as quickly as they gained citizenship. Even I have a spare tire that, unfortunately, I've never had the need for. But, if there's ever an emergency situation where somebody needs an extra twenty pounds of human lard, I'm on the job! The human body is a beautiful thing beyond the puck marks, cellulite, skin, fat, muscle, organs and bone. But beauty, or lack thereof, is only skin deep. So why do we continue to pour gazillions of dollars into an industry to improve it? If it's fleeting, why do we chase it while riding our motorized scooters? The experts have just concluded a intensive, laborious, and costly study that shows conclusively that, now brace yourself, we can be healthy if we eat right and exercise. What? Diet and exercise? Yes, it's conclusive. The U.S. Government will hand out millions of dollars to anybody who can compile common-sense into report form.
"Okay," you may be thinking, "diet and exercise, it sounds easy, but does it really work?" Well there are those of us, much like myself, who have committed a full week of our lives in pursuing this answer which seems to be; no. Not that it's not possible, just not easy. Yes, I do realize the scope of modern media which claims that you can have fun bouncing on a ball, stretching your hamstrings past your earlobe, and eating ice-cream shakes made from gingko-bye-bye-blubba, but they're lies. At the risk of heresy and blasphemy, not everything shown on the great God Tube is accurate. Are some good? Yes. I've purchased the big bouncy ball with some great results. But here's the surprising fact - the results stopped when I did! I must have missed that in the small print or the really quick legal disclaimer (where do they find people who speak that fast anyway?)
The second part of the equation is diet. Now, amazing enough, we're all on a diet of some kind unless you're reenacting Ghandi's over-throw of British-occupied India. Yes, on a daily basis, we're cramming good stuff or utter crap into that hole in our face (um, your mouth, however if you are putting crap into your nostril you're less likely to gain weight but will have a killer headache...don't ask how I know.) The real culprit is a poor diet. No, not a diet of Ramen(R) noodles and red beans because you're poor, which would still be better than 90% of us, but poor food choices. Of course, the three usual suspects are sugar, red meat, and everything that tastes good. But especially sugar. The Big Sugar industry has been feeding us its rhetoric long enough. Unbeknownst to us, they have secretly doped all their inventories with, now pay attention, sweetness. They knew it was the one thing to put their product over the edge in the age-old sugar versus salt taste tests. What's worst is that they have targeted innocent children knowing that their market drops in a direct relationship to tooth-loss over time. Lollipops, candy bars, and endearing animal spokesmen..er..spokesanimals on cereal boxes have all been unabashed sugar marketing directed at our precious blobs of the future!
Well then, what's the answer? First, find everything in your house that tastes good and throw it in the garbage disposal! If you have the slightest craving to eat it, throw it out because it's probably not good for you. Candy, french or freedom fries (both are not good for you), cakes, paste, and boogars all must go. Second, fill your cabinets and refrigerator with things that taste bland or horrible. The rule of thumb is if it taste bad, is green, and it is not wood or metal, then keep it. The two exceptions are markers and construction paper - I mean you can keep them, not eat them, at least not too much.
So, there you go. Step one to a new beginning. Exercise regularly (people seeking a new exercise program should consult their doctor before beginning any program. Hamstrings are not designed to stretch past earlobes. Eating while exercising does not in any way, shape or form cancel out what you're eating. It is not recommended that you stuff things in your nostril), and eat stuff that tastes bad. I commit myself this 8th day of October that I will begin bouncing on my ball three times a week and eat bland crap everyday, and walk or jog the other three days.
Well, next time we'll look at overhauling your image. In the meantime, I have a report to finish about how too much food consumption can cause obesity. Millions, here I come!
"Start at the beginning, and when you come to the end; stop" - Queen of Hearts
Beginnings are funny things. We all have at least one. Those of us who constantly seek to reinvent ourselves, much like Madonna throughout the 80s and 90s (minus the pointy bras), may have many in our meandering life. They are times to forget the hurts, trials, tribulations, and bad perms that have permeated our existence. A clean slate or, in modern terminology, Ctrl-"A" - "Delete". It is at these wonderful moments that we have a second, third, or two-thousandth chance to make something out of our lives. So, how does one go about re-inventing themselves? How do we put the past behind us and stare ever so not-so-boldly into the uncertain but certain-to-come future?
Many people will suggest starting with a total-body-overhaul. For some, this is more than a slight change. Cheesecakes are peculiar animals. They do not want to be exiled from the Kingdom of Thigh as quickly as they gained citizenship. Even I have a spare tire that, unfortunately, I've never had the need for. But, if there's ever an emergency situation where somebody needs an extra twenty pounds of human lard, I'm on the job! The human body is a beautiful thing beyond the puck marks, cellulite, skin, fat, muscle, organs and bone. But beauty, or lack thereof, is only skin deep. So why do we continue to pour gazillions of dollars into an industry to improve it? If it's fleeting, why do we chase it while riding our motorized scooters? The experts have just concluded a intensive, laborious, and costly study that shows conclusively that, now brace yourself, we can be healthy if we eat right and exercise. What? Diet and exercise? Yes, it's conclusive. The U.S. Government will hand out millions of dollars to anybody who can compile common-sense into report form.
"Okay," you may be thinking, "diet and exercise, it sounds easy, but does it really work?" Well there are those of us, much like myself, who have committed a full week of our lives in pursuing this answer which seems to be; no. Not that it's not possible, just not easy. Yes, I do realize the scope of modern media which claims that you can have fun bouncing on a ball, stretching your hamstrings past your earlobe, and eating ice-cream shakes made from gingko-bye-bye-blubba, but they're lies. At the risk of heresy and blasphemy, not everything shown on the great God Tube is accurate. Are some good? Yes. I've purchased the big bouncy ball with some great results. But here's the surprising fact - the results stopped when I did! I must have missed that in the small print or the really quick legal disclaimer (where do they find people who speak that fast anyway?)
The second part of the equation is diet. Now, amazing enough, we're all on a diet of some kind unless you're reenacting Ghandi's over-throw of British-occupied India. Yes, on a daily basis, we're cramming good stuff or utter crap into that hole in our face (um, your mouth, however if you are putting crap into your nostril you're less likely to gain weight but will have a killer headache...don't ask how I know.) The real culprit is a poor diet. No, not a diet of Ramen(R) noodles and red beans because you're poor, which would still be better than 90% of us, but poor food choices. Of course, the three usual suspects are sugar, red meat, and everything that tastes good. But especially sugar. The Big Sugar industry has been feeding us its rhetoric long enough. Unbeknownst to us, they have secretly doped all their inventories with, now pay attention, sweetness. They knew it was the one thing to put their product over the edge in the age-old sugar versus salt taste tests. What's worst is that they have targeted innocent children knowing that their market drops in a direct relationship to tooth-loss over time. Lollipops, candy bars, and endearing animal spokesmen..er..spokesanimals on cereal boxes have all been unabashed sugar marketing directed at our precious blobs of the future!
Well then, what's the answer? First, find everything in your house that tastes good and throw it in the garbage disposal! If you have the slightest craving to eat it, throw it out because it's probably not good for you. Candy, french or freedom fries (both are not good for you), cakes, paste, and boogars all must go. Second, fill your cabinets and refrigerator with things that taste bland or horrible. The rule of thumb is if it taste bad, is green, and it is not wood or metal, then keep it. The two exceptions are markers and construction paper - I mean you can keep them, not eat them, at least not too much.
So, there you go. Step one to a new beginning. Exercise regularly (people seeking a new exercise program should consult their doctor before beginning any program. Hamstrings are not designed to stretch past earlobes. Eating while exercising does not in any way, shape or form cancel out what you're eating. It is not recommended that you stuff things in your nostril), and eat stuff that tastes bad. I commit myself this 8th day of October that I will begin bouncing on my ball three times a week and eat bland crap everyday, and walk or jog the other three days.
Well, next time we'll look at overhauling your image. In the meantime, I have a report to finish about how too much food consumption can cause obesity. Millions, here I come!
posted by James C. at 5:28 PM
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