Criss-Cross-Crash

I made the most extraordinary discovery today: It seems my car is equipped with a shrinking-ray. Yes, I kid you not. If I did not see this for myself I would not believe it. To my knowledge, this is not a standard feature on ’94 Nissan Sentra especially since it seems to make travel more difficult.

This is how it works – on the highway, I pick a lane I’d like to move into. First, I check my mirrors and look over my shoulder and, sure enough, I’ve got twenty car-lengths of ample space to move into. Then, to be courteous, I activate the appropriate directional. Unfortunately, the directional switch also activates the shrinking-ray. No sooner do I flip it on when the twenty car-lengths diminishes to two and keeps on shrinking. By the time I move behind the lead car, somebody’s grill is grazing my collar. This leads me two possible conclusions: my turn-signal/ shrinking-ray theory is correct, or Massachusetts’ drivers, for the most part, are the most selfish, inconsiderate, greedy jerks on the planet.

Now, I know the latter is not really conceivable, but it may be the more viable theory. This is shocking. But the more I think about it, this theory would explain some bizarre behavior. Why is it we can waste so much time watching mindless commercials about feminine hygiene products because there’s nothing else on TV, but the moment we get behind the wheel, every second becomes crucial to life itself? Being a man, last I checked, I know that as a group, we can spend up to two hours watching the final two minutes of a football game. But, by golly, if we do not get a head of that car taking that exit, we won’t get home until 5:00.34 instead of our usual 5:00.32.

The soaring power of 260 horses under the hood gallops through the heart of every man (and quite a few women). I only have 98 horses under my hood (96 of which died a long time ago,) but the principle remains the same. Mere whimps become voracious idiots. Bulging-muscled jerks become…eh...Jerkier. Suddenly, every other car’s move on the highway is either a recognition of, or challenge to, our masculinity (or strong-femininty). These are the drivers who I imagine are thinking, "How dare that pathetic and obviously inferior driver be travelling at 70mph in the right lane when I was trying to dart ahead of everybody at 100mph! This person must face the full fury of my high-beams!"

This way of thinking is not without supporting facts. As we all know, nothing makes somebody either go faster or acquiesce to the side of the road more quickly than these tactics: drive as close to their rear-end as possible without actual contact (do not attempt on pedestrians), either flash or fully engage your high-beams, and the coup de grace, blasting your horn while gesturing wildly. These tactics are sure to get the inferior driver out of your way in a matter of seconds.

That being said, based on my 14 years of driving experience in the great state of Massachusetts, I have constructed what I believe to be "The Creed of the Massachusetts Driver":

• Kindness is not allowed – being courteous to one will be followed by ten others seizing the opportunity of my weakness.
• "Yield" means "Don’t stop"
• "Stop" means "yield"
• Break-down lanes are for emergencies only. Bumper-to-bumper traffic counts as an emergency.
• Rotaries (aka Round-a-bouts) contain two types of drivers: ‘the quick’ and ‘the dead’
• Don’t use your directionals except to confuse – they communicate your plans to the enemy.
• The left lane is to remain open for those travelling in excess of 100mph.
• The minimum speed of the right lane is 80mph
• There is to be a minimum distance kept between two travelling cars. The rule of thumb is one inch for every 10mph of speed.
• And last, but certainly not least: If everybody drove like me, we wouldn’t have problems.

If you’re travelling to Massachusetts, especially it’s largest county, Rhode Island, remember to drive safely. Better yet, take a bus (they’re bigger and always get their way).