Why Squirrels Die

If there ever was a strong argument against Darwin's theory of evolution, it's squirrels. Yes, those adorable, fuzzy, curly-tailed, buck-toothed, nut eaters (ouch.) Specifically, this whole notion of "survival of the fittest" is questionable. How could a creature with all the brain power of a chewed pencil (apologies to Jessica Simpson) ever have made it this long without divine intelligence? Let's examine the facts.

Each day, millions of squirrels face a tough, gut-wrenching decision. A decision that leaves this poor creature dazed and confused: cross the road or don't. I know essays from scholarly circles have exhausted this topic to no end. Then there's that whole chicken episode. But it it leaves us to wonder: Why is this decision so difficult?

Imagine waking one morning and staring at the ceiling. You don't move. You hardly breathe. The dilemma - do I go to work or call in sick? Alright, not a good example.

Um...you decide to go to work. You shave, shower, put on your SpongeBob undies, pick your nose, the normal morning routine. Then here comes the decision: Do I dress in that snazzy new (enter gender preference here) or do I humiliate myself, get fired, and make new friends with all the lovely people in holding cell B by going to work naked? A no-brainer...except for Ms. Simpson. For sane people, a group with which I loosely associate, it's an easy choice. And yet, for a squirrel, the easiest decisions become a matter of life and death.

If you live in a treeful world, you probably see them on a daily basis. On my street, trees line both sides with oodles of branches overlapping above the cars. And yet, our little nut-biters try their hand...eh...paw at crossing the street. While they are equipped for climbing trees, crossing the street should not be a big deal. Having spent my childhood chasing squirrels - no, really, that's pretty much all I did - I can tell you that they move much more quickly than we ever could. They are fantastic jumpers. But that little, pencil-chewed brain gets short circuited.

I can imagine myself as a squirrel: I hop across the street and, at the half-way point, my ears perk. I stop, sniff the air, and flick my tail nervously. A car. Maybe about a half-mile away. What to do? I hop back in the opposite direction. But wait, maybe I can make it. I hop and hop. Yes, I'm going to make it! I'm a foot from the curb. I'm on the curb! There's a tree within three feet. But what if that car is crashing into the tree? Then it's not safe! I dart back across the street because I know the other tree is safe. But wait. That car's still coming! Okay, okay, I can do it. Just go back. Ah screw it. I'm going for that tree all out. No doubt now. Here I go. Yes, I'm going to - CRUNCH!

Why was this so difficult? Lack of commitment. That's why they die. It's indecision pure and simple. There's a lot to be learned from the small brained twit - no, not Jessica. That if we just stayed committed to our objective, we would be fine. How many times have you set a goal only to quit half-way. CRUNCH! - goes your dream. CRUNCH!-goes your self-esteem. CRUNCH!
- goes your head if your goal was to reach the tree on the other side.

The most important lesson is: stick with what your are! I mentioned my tree-lined street. If my furry friend merely climbed the tree, something God has designed for him to do, he would have been fine. He would have jumped from branch to branch landing safely on the other side. But instead he thinks, "Hey, I watched that rabbit. Thinks he's hot stuff, huh? I'll show him. I can be fast too! I can beat his puny little-cottontail from here to..." CRUNCH!

God made each creature to excel at something. A rabbit is fast, a squirrel can climb, Josh Groban can sing, Donald Trump is great at real estate deals, Steve Jobs is great at innovation, Jessica Simpson is great at not thinking, Rosie O'Donnell is great at whining. What are you great at? Think about it. Then think about what you're not great at and probably will never be. STOP IT! Do you want to CRUNCH? Focus on what makes you great. Period.

See, this is why survival of the fittest doesn't make sense. The squirrel is not the fittest - don't even get me started about high-wire electrocutions known in some parts of the country as 'Instant Barbecue'. It's the perfect argument for Divine Design. A squirrel was obviously made for two things: target practice and providing entertainment value. Therefore, when it serves it's purpose it flourishes even though Darwin would suggest it should become extinct. A possible third purpose is to teach us about our purpose. Sticking to what we were designed to accomplish. So if you ever feel like your nothing and that life is meaningless just watch a squirrel. Better yet, dig out an old episode of Newlyweds.

We'll Always Have Paris...Unfortunately.

Are you as sick of hearing about Paris Hilton as I am? Yeesh. Nothing against her - in fact, I offer her kudos for using the sickening desires of mass-media to her advantage. But do we need daily updates on her jail term?

Within 20 miles of my location (an undisclosed concrete bunker in the foothills of Cape Cod sand dunes) there had to been 20 DUI's in the past week at least. But nobody, not one paper covered them other than in the police blotter. Neither the New York Times, LA Times, Fall River Herald, or even blogger.com bothered to do an indepth expose of Shawn Fecalmeyer. Why? 'Cause nobody cares about Shawn Fecalmeyer and his love affair with pineapple margaritas.

Why is Paris any different? This just in...Paris Hilton is biting her nails over the jail-house sink - is this just one more item to list on her nasty addictions? Please.

Maybe someday, The National Enquirer, People, and Star will only get attention on eBay....because they're antiques. Oh, if only the folks and the mass-media they support were more focused on issues of real concern...like the epidemic of squirrels running out in front of my car. Maybe someday.

For me, the next time I'm going 'google' Paris Hilton is when I'm looking for a hotel in France!

You Say You Want a Resolution?

Well, ya’know, it’s a new year. Time for a fresh start. Traditionally, when the giant glowing ball drops, and people emerge from their drunken stupor, it’s time to set resolutions – goals as some people call them. Why do we set goals? So we have an incredible drive forward and have a mindset of achievement. They also serve as a ruler so we can measure how much we actually failed.

First thing you need to do is be crystal clear on what you want to achieve. It can’t be fuzzy like “weigh less” or “have more money”…unless of course your goal, itself, is some pink fuzzy dice or something in which case, fuzzy is fine…weird, but fine. Goals should be stated with the 3 P’s: Present-tense, Personal and Positive. None of this “I want to quit smoking” garbage. This goal should be stated as “I am a non-smoker” or “I am positive I will die from smoking” both are excellent examples of the three P’s.

Second: Write them down! A recent USA Today (aka McPaper) study revealed that of the people who set resolutions, only a small percentage wrote them down. Of the folks who had not written their goals, only 4% followed through with their goal. Of those who wrote their goals down, 46% followed through. You have 10 times better chance of achieving them by simply writing them down. In another interesting USA Today study, results show that four people read USA Today.

Third: Set a deadline! While a deadline is obvious in our smoking goal above, it’s imperative that all goals have a deadline. Once again, this makes it easier to gauge failure. “I weigh 350lbs by December 31, 2006” (who said you can’t set a weight-gain goal?)

Fourth: Define the obstacles you will have to overcome. A wise man once said that obstacles are those things you see when you take your eyes of the goal. Cute. I ran hurdles – those things kill if you don’t jump over them! My voice was so much deeper back then. In other words: WHAT’S IN YOUR WAY? 9 times out of 10, it’s YOU. Get YOU outta the way so you can make real progress…whoa, Dr. Phil moment here.

Fifth: Identify what you need to know to accomplish your goals. If your goal is to be a doctor, it’s nice to have a little medical schooling (at least a little…don’t go overboard) If you want to be a politician, you need to develop speed in your blaming finger. You know, skills!!

Sixth: Identify who you need to know to accomplish your goals. If you are giving up smoking, it’s good to know a hit man who will shoot you on-sight if you have a cigarette in your mouth. Talk about motivation! Die or…eh…die!

Seventh: List all that you have to do to achieve your goal. For instance, if you would like to become a famous actress your steps might be: 1) Take one acting class 2) Move to Hollywood 3) Look at map and try to move to Hollywood again 4) Flirt with big-time producer…and so on. This acts as an easy checklist so you have instant feedback that you’re right on track to achieve your goal.

Eighth: Organize your list into a plan of action. Take all of the items on your list and prioritize them from most important to least important. Using the example above your first plan of action would be “mug somebody to get money for acting class”, then “find acting class”, then “ hire a private investigator to stalk a producer” and so on.

Ninth: Make a plan. That’s right! It’s time to commit your action items to a calendar. Set a deadline for each one. If your goal is to gain 300 lbs, set your weight gain in more achievable segments on a yearly, monthly, weekly and even a daily basis. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! (This is a great way to gain 300lbs)

Tenth: Choose your most important task each day and start working on it first then don’t stop until it’s finished. It would make sense that this task be achievable within the time-frame of one day. For instance, if you decide that your number one task for the day is to walk cross the United States, well, you’d better be a pretty darn fast walker! The task should fit your ability to act. If you’ve never followed through on goals before, you may want to start with smaller, more achievable tasks. Like, “walk up to front door”. Tomorrow your task could be “turn knob.” By setting smaller tasks, your chances of success skyrocket.

There you have it, the only goal-setting guide you’ll ever need. Follow it and you can become rich and successful like me…eventually…someday…I hope. Can somebody help me push my car?

P.S. This is loosely and comically based on Brian Tracy’s goal setting outline. He is the real expert on the subject – seriously. Go to www.briantracy.com (no, I’m not an affiliate!)

Putting the Pro in Procrastination

You may or may not know that I’m a pro. I don’t like to brag much about it – usually I put-off bragging about it. You see, that’s the problem…I’m a Pro-crastinator. A member of the group that believes, “Why do today what can be put-off until tomorrow?”

Actually, I don’t feel like bragging about it because it’s a little embarrassing. You know what I mean. It’s like walking out of the bathroom with tissue paper stuck to your foot. Giving a presentation only to discover you had spinach stuck in your teeth the whole time. Or accidentally setting your neighbor's house on fire while playing with a 100,000 BTU flame thrower. Embarrassing.

Before we look at the nitty-gritty details of the problem, let’s consider the origins of the word procrastination. Now, I’m too lazy to do to much research here (a problem we’ll look at in another blog) so let’s just use common-sense. “Pro” generally means “in favor of” in the english language. “Castinate” must be a derivative of the word “castanet” which are the little clicking percussion-thingies belly-dancers use. We can logically follow that ancient people – especially men – preferred watching these belly-dancers instead of doing what they should have been doing. Voilà! You have the origin of procrastinator…er…those in favor of watching belly-dancers…yeah.

The real problem is focus. We live in a society where gazillions of distractions vie for our attention. Movies, sports, cartoons, catchy jingles that rattle in your head over and over and over and over again - they won’t stop until you buy that car, that wonderful car and the music just keeps playing and playing in your head.

How do we focus on solving the problem? The Patriots just called a time-out and the Broncos defense just has me on the edge of my seat. Wait - staying focused. Brian Tracy, motivational speaker, business consultant, author, and guy with really white teeth has addressed this problem in his book “Eat That Frog” so read it.

Someday I’ll get over this procrastination problem. In fact, sharing this with you has taken a load off my chest. I feel free. I feel energized. I’m going to make a vow to always do what needs to be done immediately. No more putting-off! No more letting tasks languish. No! I promise that I’m going to tackle this procrastination problem HEAD-ON!

I’ll start first thing tomorrow.