Dam!

I’m fortunate enough to have just moved from Taunton, Massachusetts a few months ago. If you live in the United States, chances are you saw a news blurb about the Whittenton Dam which was near breaking point. It’s amazing that, until now, nobody was aware of the 6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot, (bunch!) wall of water that could come crashing through the center of the city. How many dams are on the verge of unleashing their pent-up emotions?

It seems dams are everywhere. They supply hydro-electric power, drinking water, clear land for development, and keep the general public safe from deadly trout attacks. Dams are good unless your paddling a boat too closely to one.

This particular dam was constructed in the late 19th century. My extensive research has revealed that all men who built the dam are now dead. Obviously, there is conspiracy to eliminate the witnesses to its shoddy workmanship. Do they expect me to believe that the only material they had available in 1880 was wood? Why wasn’t monolithic concrete used with the usual major excavation and proper footings? Somebody profited from this project I’m certain.

The dam stood the test of time lasting one hundred years despite the labor-union conspiracies, until Massachusetts received record-setting rains this month stressing the dam to failure. I wonder who noticed it? Was somebody walking along and thought to themselves, "Say, that dam usually doesn’t bulge out 5 feet and have water gushing out of the bottom." Who’s responsibility is it to report bad dams? Evidently, there is a state-run team that keeps records of inspections. They’ve made a list of suspected bad dams such as: Whitteton Dam, Taunton; Monument Dam, Freetown; Windsor Reservoir, Dalton; and Jean-Claude Van Damme, Hollywood. All of these dams are in danger of breaking out and wreaking havoc except Jean-Claude who has not really broken out since the 80s.

While floods are serious issues, it’s fortunate that the city officials, learning from the mental short-circuits in New Orleans, took immediate action evacuating homes along the Mill River and shutting down the city. Taunton was a virtual ghost-town, as usual, except that this time there were no citizens in it.

However, no danger can thwart the will, courage, and apparent stupidity of people who ignore warnings. There’s a dam, holding back the power of an entire lake, in imminent danger of breaking unleashing a wall of destruction and deadly trout. Yet, there are people walking down the street munching on snacks. As one man put it, "If it comes, it comes. I’m not worried about it." Hello? Did you see the Tsunami footage from Indonesia? Granted, this gentleman was of stout build, but that would just cause him to float more easily. Cars, debris, and farm animals would be carried away taking out small structures in their path and he isn’t worried about it? We have a name for these people: casualties.

As the rain continues to fall wherever you live, keep an eye on those dams. Especially beaver dams for which there is no provision in the laws (more conspiracies). Stay high and dry and watch out for trout; they’re bloodthirsty.

Purpose - Who me?

There seems to be a lot of people reflecting on their purpose in life. This is no surprise considering the fact that, morally speaking, we're bankrupt. The question is: who stole our purpose? To fill this void, people have resigned to short-term fixes. Activities such as: Monday-morning quarterbacking, drinking to excess (even water), and Smurf collecting among other things.

To get to the root of the problem, we must first define purpose. I'll wait for you to get the dictionary. Did I leave my car lights on? Welcome back. In case you're too cheap or broke to get a dictionary, purpose is defined as, "something set up as an object or end to be attained." Thank you, Mr. Webster. When we lack purpose our life has no worth to it. No goals. pepperonioni on the pizza. It's bland. One man said that, "A purpose is that thing that drives you out of bed every morning". Loosely translated, this could mean that the dog defacing the oak floor at 4am is your life's purpose. This conclusion is incorrect. Purpose is drive. It's exciting. You know what you're doing, why you're doing it, and have the ability to remember that you did it.

When defining our purpose, our object worth obtaining, we must consider several routes. These are best found by asking ourselves questions such as: "What did I enjoy doing when I was growing up?", "Who has had an impact on my life and what did I admire about them?", "If money were not a concern, what would I want my occupation to be?", and "If I were a tree, would birds like me enough to nest and poop in me?". These questions have been very helpful in my own search. God does not intend for our lives to be wasted away watching cubic-zirconia encrusted jewelry being sold at two in the morning (which would be so much better if they'd offer the heart shaped cut, but do they read my mail? Nope. No reply. Not one!) We're made with purpose and it's not to go to a job we hate, to make less money than we're worth, to buy things we can't afford to impress people we don't like (source-unknown)

Life is supposed to be more than work. To be precise, it's supposed to be 87 inches more. Life can be fulfilling, exciting and fun for all of those who make the time and effort to seek it. When we find our dreams, talents, skills, passions, and that little voice in all of us (not the one that argues with you), we begin to find our identity which was in our wallet the whole time.

Until we meet next week. In the meantime, I've got a mess to clean and a dog to punish! I wish I hadn't bought him that cubic-zirconia encrusted collar!

Serious sources to consider:
http://www.48days.com Career counselor and human resource exepert Dan Miller shows how to find the work of your dreams in as little as 48 days.

http://www.purposedrivenlife.com Pastor Rick Warren reveals the purpose for which we were created.

Truth the Face

While I'm certainly not just another pretty face, chances are, you aren't either. As a race - human that is - we spend too much money on image. Last year alone, 85% of the GDP (Gross Demand for Prettiness) was spent on makeup and mirrors. 90% of the money received by the image-industry was spent on smoke to make the mirrors. Let's face it, as a society, we do not suffer from ugliness. You do, but not us as a society. What we suffer from is lack of self-esteem.

Esteem for self. The dictionary I make up as I go along defines esteem as: 1) holding in high regard; pride 2) a byproduct of the pre-industrial age internet which was powered by water vapor. Where esteem comes from is a entirely different matter.

Do you judge your appearance based on twigs with blonde hair which inundate us from every media outlet? We should not be comparing ourselves to the five most perfect-looking people in the world! They're anomalies of nature. If nature had truly destined us to be beautiful we all would be gorgeous.

We've all glanced scornfully at the town of Cheesecake located in the country of Thigh. The barren, hilly land that laughs at us from the mirror while checking the bath's temperature. Everybody does this. Even the ones who "have it all together". Yes, we're all lacking in esteem in at least one area. If your mug has not graced the cover of any publication besides "FBI's Most Wanted List" then be thankful! You're one of the lucky ones.

To solve the predicament of low esteem, the solution is simple. First step: Get over ourselves! Get over everybody! Just get over! Compare your today-you to your yesterday-you. But we cannot compare ourselves to others! The good book tells us that God made us in his image. Therefore, when you pick on your shortcomings you're picking on God and that's a fight I don't want to get in the middle of.

You: "Man, look at those cheekbones! I didn't even think I had bones down there under that padding."

God: "You talkin' to me?"

You: "No, no, Exalted One. I'm just not happy with my body"

God: "Well, your body is the way I made it. You got a problem with that?"

You: "Well, of course not! It's beautiful. It's just that - could you make my butt smaller?"

God: "What? The one I gave you isn't good enough?"

You: "It's perfect, really, nevermind"

God: "What? Am I some sort of on-call surgeon here to make you happy? I'm here to amuse you? Not 'make me more courageous' Not, 'show me your glory', No. It's my butt isn't cute enough.

You: "It's not like that."

God: "Well, to be honest, Moses had the same request."

You: "Really?!?!"

God: "NO! Not really. Insecure and gullible - what has happened here? Oy vey!"

You: "Doesn't that saying mean 'Oh my G...

God: "I know what it means. I fashioned you out of dirt. Work my fingers to the bone. Delivered your ancestors from doom, not just once mind you. Sent my Son to guide you - incidentally, you mocked him too. Was his butt too big? I loved you and called to you. And this is the thanks I get: Make me beautiful!?"

You: "I'm sorry."

God: "You're lucky I don't smite anymore!"

Second step to building self-esteem: stand in front of the mirror naked. Okay, are you there? I meant after you left the cafe and went home. Now, repeat these words: "Thank God you made me in your image and I'm not a twiggy freak of nature." There, now doesn't that feel better?

Until we meet again. In the meantime, I'll be renting a monster truck. I need help getting over myself.

In the Beginning

In the Beginning...

"Start at the beginning, and when you come to the end; stop" - Queen of Hearts

Beginnings are funny things. We all have at least one. Those of us who constantly seek to reinvent ourselves, much like Madonna throughout the 80s and 90s (minus the pointy bras), may have many in our meandering life. They are times to forget the hurts, trials, tribulations, and bad perms that have permeated our existence. A clean slate or, in modern terminology, Ctrl-"A" - "Delete". It is at these wonderful moments that we have a second, third, or two-thousandth chance to make something out of our lives. So, how does one go about re-inventing themselves? How do we put the past behind us and stare ever so not-so-boldly into the uncertain but certain-to-come future?

Many people will suggest starting with a total-body-overhaul. For some, this is more than a slight change. Cheesecakes are peculiar animals. They do not want to be exiled from the Kingdom of Thigh as quickly as they gained citizenship. Even I have a spare tire that, unfortunately, I've never had the need for. But, if there's ever an emergency situation where somebody needs an extra twenty pounds of human lard, I'm on the job! The human body is a beautiful thing beyond the puck marks, cellulite, skin, fat, muscle, organs and bone. But beauty, or lack thereof, is only skin deep. So why do we continue to pour gazillions of dollars into an industry to improve it? If it's fleeting, why do we chase it while riding our motorized scooters? The experts have just concluded a intensive, laborious, and costly study that shows conclusively that, now brace yourself, we can be healthy if we eat right and exercise. What? Diet and exercise? Yes, it's conclusive. The U.S. Government will hand out millions of dollars to anybody who can compile common-sense into report form.

"Okay," you may be thinking, "diet and exercise, it sounds easy, but does it really work?" Well there are those of us, much like myself, who have committed a full week of our lives in pursuing this answer which seems to be; no. Not that it's not possible, just not easy. Yes, I do realize the scope of modern media which claims that you can have fun bouncing on a ball, stretching your hamstrings past your earlobe, and eating ice-cream shakes made from gingko-bye-bye-blubba, but they're lies. At the risk of heresy and blasphemy, not everything shown on the great God Tube is accurate. Are some good? Yes. I've purchased the big bouncy ball with some great results. But here's the surprising fact - the results stopped when I did! I must have missed that in the small print or the really quick legal disclaimer (where do they find people who speak that fast anyway?)

The second part of the equation is diet. Now, amazing enough, we're all on a diet of some kind unless you're reenacting Ghandi's over-throw of British-occupied India. Yes, on a daily basis, we're cramming good stuff or utter crap into that hole in our face (um, your mouth, however if you are putting crap into your nostril you're less likely to gain weight but will have a killer headache...don't ask how I know.) The real culprit is a poor diet. No, not a diet of Ramen(R) noodles and red beans because you're poor, which would still be better than 90% of us, but poor food choices. Of course, the three usual suspects are sugar, red meat, and everything that tastes good. But especially sugar. The Big Sugar industry has been feeding us its rhetoric long enough. Unbeknownst to us, they have secretly doped all their inventories with, now pay attention, sweetness. They knew it was the one thing to put their product over the edge in the age-old sugar versus salt taste tests. What's worst is that they have targeted innocent children knowing that their market drops in a direct relationship to tooth-loss over time. Lollipops, candy bars, and endearing animal spokesmen..er..spokesanimals on cereal boxes have all been unabashed sugar marketing directed at our precious blobs of the future!

Well then, what's the answer? First, find everything in your house that tastes good and throw it in the garbage disposal! If you have the slightest craving to eat it, throw it out because it's probably not good for you. Candy, french or freedom fries (both are not good for you), cakes, paste, and boogars all must go. Second, fill your cabinets and refrigerator with things that taste bland or horrible. The rule of thumb is if it taste bad, is green, and it is not wood or metal, then keep it. The two exceptions are markers and construction paper - I mean you can keep them, not eat them, at least not too much.

So, there you go. Step one to a new beginning. Exercise regularly (people seeking a new exercise program should consult their doctor before beginning any program. Hamstrings are not designed to stretch past earlobes. Eating while exercising does not in any way, shape or form cancel out what you're eating. It is not recommended that you stuff things in your nostril), and eat stuff that tastes bad. I commit myself this 8th day of October that I will begin bouncing on my ball three times a week and eat bland crap everyday, and walk or jog the other three days.

Well, next time we'll look at overhauling your image. In the meantime, I have a report to finish about how too much food consumption can cause obesity. Millions, here I come!